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Submitted on
June 18, 2011
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All Ur Planet R Belong to Us 4 by PaulHanley All Ur Planet R Belong to Us 4 by PaulHanley

This is a story I submitted for Big Finish's SHORT TRIPS series last year. It didn't make the cut (obviously), so I thought I'd upload it in segments here with some illustrations to accompanty it, a la the old Doctor Who annuals.


Evelyn saw what looked like a laser gun sitting amongst Danziger's clutter of desk toys. She snatched it up and pointed it at his chest.

"Don't move!"

"That's a game controller, Evelyn." the Doctor said, not looking away from the mess of wires in his hands.

"Well..." Evelyn stammered, throwing the gun back to Danziger. "Just sit down and SHUT UP, then!"

Danziger slumped back and rubbed his eyes like he had a migraine. "Man, this is such a bummer."

The computer suddenly made an ominous popping noise, causing everyone, even the Doctor, to jump. He looked in horror at what looked like an instant message flashing on the computer's large screen:


"Teh Haxxorpwn," The Doctor gasped. "I should have known!"

Evelyn blinked. "The-"

"Teh," the Doctor corrected, diving desperately back into whatever he was doing with the wires.

"Teh Hack-sor-pone?"

"Mmm. A very unpleasant species from the Crab Nebula. Not particularly violent- in fact downright cowardly when you confront them head-on. So they take out potentially competitive civilizations, or "noobs" as they call them, by insinuating themselves into any forms of interactive media they can hack into and dumbing down the culture. They usually attack around the time races develop online gaming- though I've always had a pet theory they might call into the occasional radio talk show..."

The computer "popped" again...


"That language- shouldn't the TARDIS be translating it?" Evelyn asked.

The Doctor took a moment from peeling a wire casing with his teeth. "Well... she does her best to. It's not easy filtering that much inconsistent spelling, profanity, and emoticons."

"The TARDIS has a profanity filter?!"


Evelyn nodded at the screen. "What's that!"

"Shut The Cruk Up." the Doctor said, a bit embarrassed. He looked over at Danziger.

"Let me guess- Teh Haxxorpwn are the brains behind Brain2. They gave you the blueprints for it. And they're the moderators for Touchstone. All you had to do was take the credit."

Danziger threw his hand up, rolling his eyes. "Okay, okay- busted."

A new buzzing sound emitted from the computer- something like an alarm. The screen flashed red:


The Doctor frantically ripped off another access panel. "It's a kill-signal- they're crashing the network. The whole world will be plunged into helpless stupidity! There's only one thing to do-"

His fingers pounded the keyboard like jackhammers-Evelyn worried for a moment he might break it. Finally he dropped back to his knees and grabbed a wire from each of the two access panels, trying to tug them together. He found to his dismay that they couldn't quite reach...

"I really must rebuild that sonic screwdriver," he said, pinching one exposed wire with one hand...

And then did the same for the other.

The surge knocked him unconscious before the screen exploded, but Evelyn told him later that it was rather spectacular.

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Glad to know the TARDIS does her best to keep language clean!
tangerinewarning Jun 21, 2011   Photographer

I knew there was a reason for all why instant messaging became so big…it's aliens, they do alien things…they're alien.

I so would have loved to heard Colin Baker read this story, just to hear him say "noobs" and "teh haxxorpwn".

Plus, Evelyn grabbing an NES gun, it's classic.

Also great to see cruk used once more, the swear word of Doctor Who, just like frak and smeg.
PaulHanley Jun 21, 2011  Professional
Oh, I BADLY wanted to hear Colin read this for Short Trips. Or Maggie Stables. Either would've been incredible. I'm more than a bit proud of having an alien race called "teh Haxxorpwn"- it would've been so funny to hear them say that over and over with a "straight face". Not to be, alas.

And yeah, cruk came in useful for trashing-up the l33tspeak, as I'm sure Big Finish and the BBC would've frowned on dropping actual F-bombs. And I always love when New Adventures stuff worms (Timewyrms?) its way into Big Finish stories. :D
I always thought the TARDIS had a profanity filter, I could never remember where I read as such.

Also: MOAR!
PaulHanley Jun 19, 2011  Professional
I think that does come from one of the books- but damn if I know which one. But it's the only explanation for why we never hear a "Bloody hell, the ****ing Daleks, again?!" once in a while. Ya know Donna, Tegan, and Ace probably would've been dropping f-bombs all over the place (I'm pretty sure "Rabbits!" was the TARDIS' attempt to put a "swear filter" on Tegan). And Ben Jackson was an actual sailor- you know how they talk. That would've made a memorable POWER OF THE DALEKS, Part 1: "Who the **** are you, mate? And what the **** did you do with the ****in' Doctor?!"
tangerinewarning Jun 21, 2011   Photographer
It must come from the latter BBC Books, because the New Adventures liked a bit of swearing in them. There's a noted amount of the word 'f**k' in the novel Transit. The other New Adventures also have a large amount of sex and violence.
It became more obvious that he must have one with the newer episodes, when Torchwood showed up in Doctor Who again after the spin off series they didn't swear as much as they would of.

I like to think the Doctor is the worst when it comes to swearing, not a single word would go by without a f**king or sh*tting if it wasn't for the profanity filter.
PaulHanley Jun 19, 2011  Professional
Well, we all know how the 4th Doctor could get when the filter was off: [link] ;)
Now that is funny.

4th Doctor: How long is it K9. K9: Insufficent data. Doctor: Yeah you never know the f**king answer when it's important.
PaulHanley Jun 21, 2011  Professional
Yeah, that exchange w/ K-9 is my favorite part. Funny how it doesn't seems out of character there. :D
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